I’ve always loved the Die Hard movies. The first is an all-time classic in the action genre, and the sequels both maintain the entertainment value. But you know what was really missing? That Mac guy! That’s right, the one thing that the Die Hard franchise needed to keep it fresh for the young people was Justin Long playing a nerdy computer hacker that just bitches and moans throughout the movie while Bruce Willis does awesome stuff. Watching Justin Long and Kevin Smith discuss computer hackery is not exciting. Watching Bruce Willis blow up a helicopter with a car is. Next time at least get a tolerable, awkward nerd like Michael Cera.

We’ve all known a Farva. You know, the friend that you hang out with but everyone actually hates. And openly hates too, not just behind his back. Farva is the quintessential “that guy.” Whether it’s drinking free booze until he pukes or taking every friendly joke too far, he manages to make every single situation he’s in at least one hundred times more awkward. The State Troopers in Super Troopers might be a joyful band of misfits, but Farva is a guy even they don’t want to be associated with. When guys that have maple syrup chugging contests don’t want you around, you know you must be kind of a dick. Plus, as audience members we had to see his little Farva as his naked body was covered in powdered sugar. Not cool.

Never have two children in a movie been more deserving of death, yet escaped alive. They’re annoying from the start, pestering Dr. Grant when he clearly despises them, but the problems really start when the dinos get loose. The T-Rex would have just moseyed on by and found some delicious Triceratops to eat, but the kids insisted on screaming and shining a light into the big guy’s eye. I’m not upset that they escaped death in this instance, but their reckless actions led to Jeff Goldblum getting hurt. It’s just not acceptable to put the Blum in harm’s way. Then comes the electric fence scene, in which Tim refuses to jump to the ground even though he knows the volts are a-comin. Somehow he lives through that shocking event (get it??), but after all that they decide to sit in the lounge eating Jell-O while raptors run free. Sam Jackson died and these kids lived. The world is truly a cruel place.

Now, I know that the entire point of Donkey’s character is to be annoying, but the problem is that a character that is supposed to be annoying is just that: annoying. Sure it’s fun to see him bugging Shrek, but it doesn’t take long for him to bug the audience too. Eddie Murphy has a way of delivering the most mundane piece of dialogue and somehow making it excruciating to hear. Who knew that “I’m makin’ waffles!” could be so irritating? Waffles are great, but not if Eddie Murphy is the one talking about them. You know, Eddie, there is still such a thing as overacting. Even when you’re just doing the voice.

On an annoying scale of 1 to 10, Chris Tucker is usually a solid 7. Anyone that has seen a Rush Hour film knows this to be the case. But for his role as a screeching radio show host in The Fifth Element, he turned the knob until it snapped off. He does have some dialogue in the movie, but you probably won’t remember it. Instead, the ringing in your ears for the next three days will act as a reminder of how much screaming he does. Running and screaming. That is his role in the movie. He runs and screams while Bruce Willis tries to keep him from dying. It’s almost as if Tucker was asked to accentuate every part of himself that drives people insane. If that was indeed the idea, then bravo. I needed therapy after watching this movie.

Temple of Doom has long been regarded as the weak link in the Indiana Jones series, and there are many reasons for this. The story isn’t as good as the others', and it perhaps gets a bit too dark and mystical for an Indiana Jones film. The real culprits for the lack of critical respect, though, are Short Round and Willie Scott, who together almost manage to make Indiana Jones unlikable. Short Round is an obvious gimmick, as most little kids in adult movies are (not that kind of adult movie, sicko). He’s filled with witty one-liners and annoying moral lessons. Meanwhile, Willie Scott is the Chris Tucker of the Indiana Jones universe, constantly screaming at every little thing that happens. And imagine — Spielberg married her after this performance. Lucky for them that Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Mutt Williams rolled into theaters this year. Finally. A worse Indiana Jones movie.

What is there to say about Jar Jar Binks that hasn’t been said a million times over? He is the embodiment of everything wrong with the Star Wars prequels, being equal parts annoying comic relief and shameless attempt to fool kids out of their money with useless, hideous Jar Jar products. From his dumb, vaguely racist accent to the horrible dialogue, the only thing appealing about Jar Jar is the fact that he isn’t real. For shame, George Lucas. For shame. I wouldn’t be surprised if the next special edition of Return of the Jedi has a ghost Jar Jar Binks standing side-by-side with Yoda, Obi Wan and Anakin, just to really pour salt in the fans' collective wound.

What’s worse than having one Eddie Murphy as your sidekick? Having 5 Eddie Murphys as your sidekicks. In order to fulfill the fantasy of every egotistical comedian (I’m looking at you, Mike Myers) and play every important role in a movie to make sure nobody else gets a laugh, Eddie Murphy donned 7 different costumes in this movie to play Sherman Klump/ Buddy Love as well as the whole Klump clan. I assume it must have been some kind of social experiment to see how many unfunny characters he could play on screen at once. From farting to fighting to chanting “Hercules! Hercules!”, Eddie Murphy single-handedly re-defines how juvenile you can make one simple dinner scene. That’s right, single-handedly. I don’t blame you, little fat Hercules.